I received an e-mail from a friend the other day, telling me she's worried she hasn't heard from me since January. She's also worried I don't want to be friends anymore. She's worried 'it's her' , not me. She's also a bit mad at me. Because I managed to share my journey on here and not with her.
I can imagine why she feels this way. I have no real excuse. Just this:
Have you ever seen a hummingbird? The flickering of wings, quicker than lightning?
That’s how the inside of my head used to feel. Full of buzzing hummingbirds.
Constantly moving, never slowing down.
During the day,
when I tried to sleep,
when the sun would shatter her first rays of light upon the earth’s surface.
Never slowing down.
I felt trapped inside my own head, in my own life.
How could my simple existence be this exhausting?
How did other people do this? – It’s probably my own fault!
Taking on too much.
Expecting too much.
So I started to make my life smaller, smothering those hummingbirds one by one.
My life became predictable, planned to the minute.
No time for spontaneity.
No time for people.
No headspace really.
Hadn’t I just got rid of those fucking birds!?
It’s easier to talk into the void. Even though it’s out there for anyone to consume.
It feels more secluded, in a way.
To name these thoughts and feelings in front my nearest loved ones makes me feel ashamed and small.
Is my inability to talk to them an even bigger failure? A sign I am still broken?
I just won’t let them call me out!
This is my DECISION, my RECOVERY, my LIFE.
If writing this on a blog brings me more peace of mind than a personal confrontation, that’s my choice.
But I feel for my lost friend. She wants to support me and doesn't know how.
I don't know either.